Confessions of an Asiansexual

I still lay inside the opium den, and I wait for others to walk in.

I was 25, and I came out of the closet. A close friend in undergrad found out about my autobiography, Almond Eyes, Baby Face. He was appalled. 

Andrew, that was his name, had a Chinese girlfriend. She grew up in the same Pennsylvania neighborhood as me. Andrew was shocked at my website, “asian aryanism.com.”

“How could you!? That’s not what Asian culture is about! I thought you were intelligent. I study Buddhism, Confucianism, and Hinduism, and this is what you are doing. Dude, this is disgusting. I am a writer, and I know what good writing is. This nazi talk won’t get you anywhere.”

He didn’t want to hang out with me ever again. No dialogue, no further discussion. I was now an outcast. Back then, I was the kid with the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Time mashup t-shirt. I was invited into the white guy, Asian studies clique. And then I ruined it. I embarrassed him.

Most French philosophers will tell you that desire is a normal trait of human expression, will, and power. The Puritans, the religious, and the stoic subvert desire into something irrational and negative. The liberal world calls desire a "fetish" because liberalism is spoiled. It feels bad about itself. Our desires cannot correlate with the existing individual. Desire is repressed.

At that same age, at 22, an Asian studies teacher wanted to talk to me alone after class, because I made the Japanese-Eurasian girl upset when referring to Yukio Mishima’s vehement racial nationalism. 

She was condescending.

“Do you really believe what Mishima said?”

I was trembling. I didn’t have the answer. I just wanted to make everyone happy, while at the same time, introducing conflicting sides into the so-called liberal dialogue. 

“Do you think black people act that way? What if you told a black person they couldn’t enter Japan??”

As of 2021, no foreigner can enter Japan. They are by default “racist” towards blacks as they are to everyone else. An honest dialogue about race is not welcomed in liberal circles.

The same professor also openly denied the Japanese ever stereotyping white people as big-nose intruders. Japan was racist on its terms. What’s so wrong about that?  Even Asian professors know this to be true. So why did she openly ignore something so crucial to the dialogue?

Andrew was lucky with his Asian American girlfriend. But my luck getting a Japanese girlfriend was a failure. These so-called “Japanese” girls always came from a wealthy white dad, and back in the 1980s, they took those innocent Japanese girls and showed them a whole new world. How is that not “Asian Aryan” by definition? The word “Aryan” alone ticks off the liberal. Eugenics is only for those who can afford it. Those sassy Eurasian girls were too good for me.

Japan is a cool kids club. When you study the language, only the good ones let you in. Otherwise, the Japanese naturally discriminate. When they reached out and asked for help after World War II, those successful white men jumped at them. The gate is closed. The suckers are called “weebs” for just showing the slightest interest in Japanese culture. They always call you names.

The ultimate goal has been to get a Japanese girl. The liberal world is still at war with this narrative. The good news, however, is that political correctness is crumbling. How many Japanese women are out there just for sensitive nerdy guys? None. Chinese and Koreans in America, or Asian Americans, dwarf that fantasy. Japan is in decline.

I was a pretty strange kid. They thought I was going to be the “Chad” on the cross-country team. I just wanted to be an artist. I was into anime and video games like everyone else. I was hooked on Japanese beauty, and I didn’t even know it.

The middle class is pathetic. The bourgeois man continues to disgust me. And in all honestly, I would rather side with the rich liberals in Manhattan or San Francisco than live in a rust-belt doldrum. But I also passionately hate the liberal class too. The problem is that the liberal classes are denying their future. Liberalism is a Eurocentric trend, only white people can practice it. What makes me sick about the liberal is that he hates his people. Whiteness is egalitarianism, democracy, universalism, and individualism as a race.

I have a revenge fantasy. I want a lovely white genocide. Not exactly the genocide the liberals want.

I remember that one professor at Drexel, George Ciccariello-Maher. I remember he said something similar during a tweet.

“All I want for Christmas is white genocide.”

Exactly, what did he mean by that?

He tries and worms his way out by saying, “Well, I meant those middle-class people, those people with bourgeois values, and not anyone who is admixture European!” They all say that. But what me and Ciccariello-Maher agree on, is that the real white genocide is against the deracinated, not the people. I believe white people don’t have a racial identity because being “white” centers around liberalism. Andrew and my liberal professor are an example of white people. Therefore, I want a liberal genocide, not an admixture of European genocide. That’s what it means to be a white person.

And here is where the real irony starts. I couldn’t stand them anymore. The clear hypocrisy in front of me. I just want to be open that I like Shonen Knife and have a cool Asian girlfriend who looks after me. That’s why I became active. I started to attend local white nationalist meetings. I saw them all. Nazis and punk rockers. That’s why it’s fun to be a white nationalist because you hate white people so much, you care about their future. 

I just rocked that label just to piss them off.

I can further discuss my interest in Julius Evola, Miguel Serrano, Savitri Devi, Dennis Cooper, Edmund White, Jim Goad, Yukio Mishima, and Donald Keene, all of those great names. Yet that’s a digression on its own. It starts when you are young, not when you become active. It goes back to one’s sexual awakening.

I always like to think when I notice I like Asian women. I know it’s crude when I say it like that. That’s why they call me a pervert. And I make the same rebuttal to them; “Are homosexuals desiring men and little boys perverted?” What’s wrong with a heterosexual kid who does not find the cliche blonde cheerleader attractive? To me, this is a ploy for the white race. It’s by the same liberals that gaslight you for protesting their club. All liberals are white. And by disgracing them, you disgrace their women. To marry a white woman is to marry a liberal. Their sexuality is a fetish for liberalism.

I graduated from a special-needs high school when I was 19. I entered community college when I was 20. State school at 22. And then I graduated from a private college at 23. My school life was reckless. I remember being kicked out of the first high school when a group of blacks attacked me. Of course, they blamed it on whitey for his self-defense hit. The other “bad boy” school I attended was a prison complex. At least one girl who attended that school became an adult film actress. I guess that’s her way of dealing with this American depravity because I’m not the only one.

They gaslight you, just like that fucking professor from a community college who wanted to prove to me “You got an F in the class for being illiterate.” It’s the same gaslighting effect when a liberal teacher says “That racist boy attacked that innocent black person back. Kick him out!”

Perhaps I was in an abusive environment. They knew it. And luckily, they gave me access to another high school. This time, it was for special needs. However, all the boys were mentally and physically retarded, and the girls were promiscuous sluts. Ironic, yes? Like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, This is where I found my enlightenment. 

My shitty dad was having a suicidal meltdown as per usual that morning. Of course, I always ignore it. It would be best if he would just croak and we would move on with our lives. But pain like that deserves poetic justice for the exploited. And so the bus ride to school was painful like his existing. 

I didn’t want to go to class. I was crying. The teacher noticed my sobbing. She persuaded me to go to the principal’s office to cool down. They all knew what we were going through. The decay of Western civilization begins at home.

Instead of the principal’s office, I was sent to a different room. This room, I can describe as a metaphorical opium den. Awaiting on the sofa, she came into the room. The Asian American teacher advisor I never considered. Her name is Lisa.

“What’s going on? Are you ok?”

She sat beside me as tears rolled from my eyes.

Nobody was in this room. We were in a cabin on campus, away from where everyone else was. Just only the two of us.

Those first two hours went by quickly. She gave me water. The situation escalated.

Things get fuzzy here, but we went out the front porch. She had her weed pen and smoked it right in front of me. 

Lisa was 24 at the time. I was 19. There were no boundaries between us. Something was awakening inside me. This wasn’t the normal teacher who was going to bully me around. She too realized there was no class difference between us. What I recalled from being around her beforehand, she got her BA in Education. Now she spends her time making easy money as a babysitter?

“What’s your family like?”

“Complete shit.” 

She looked right ahead towards the forest. 

“I hated Beijing. I love it here more. Like, I didn’t know my dad.” 

I stopped being a weeping baby. I felt someone took off my mask.

“My favorite band is Realicide.” 

“Is that like Atari Teenage Riot? That’s cool. I’ll check them out.”

I couldn’t believe it. She likes good music. 

That afternoon was endless. I didn’t have to go to class. Two things were happening. I was attending school, but spending the day with someone else. I entered a parallel universe.

Girls call it “chemistry.” That’s a lie. As I grow older, it’s called “game.” Either the man succeeds in seducing her, or he ignores it all. Lisa was playing a game with me. 

I remember going into the kitchen together, and she served me sushi. She wanted to watch cartoons with me.

My memory is blurry. It’s hard to explain what happened to me.

Soon enough, I had my head on her lap, and she was petting me. I was her dog for today. No authority came into the room. It was just us. 

At 5 p.m., I asked if I should take the bus home. And she said, “No, just take the 7 p.m. bus.” I did just that. 

We talked about many intimate issues. She was touching me. Those dry positions I recall. She also put her head on my lap. I was fully erected. We did “footsies” too. The first time I had sex was at 18. But at 19, a new opportunity was in front of me. We didn’t do it, but it was close. 

Lisa molested me. 

It was the best day of my life. I masturbated that night. She also gave me her number. 

Many years later, I tried texting that number, searching for her on Facebook, and finding nothing. I just couldn’t lead up and ask her out. Lisa’s mark on me made me go after the older type. There wasn’t that much of an age gap, but I see this as a recurring theme in my relationships. 

I was bullied again in community college for prosing Fringe magazine, a copycat of Vice magazine mixed with Feral House tendencies. Another Asian girl was there. And she understood me too.

Things did get different when I transferred to a state school. It was both shit and fun. The good life was with Lisa, and always I chased after that experience. I didn’t ask for it. It happened naturally. I was invited into the den.

Only when I transferred to a women’s college did I realize the insanity of no intellectual and cultural diversity on campus?

…White girls. The embodiment of the middle class, of biological dependency.

Everyone was protecting their declining society. Only then did I realize I was an Asian studies student in denial. Like James Stewart in It’s A Wonderful Life, I realize my awakening, my purpose. 

I was always an artist. They tried to deny me, but I fought back.

I became hostile to the neoliberal establishment. I told the truth, like many men my age who went through the same sexually confused labyrinth. My sexuality is no different from any other male born in the 1990s.

I realized that the matrix was in front of me, trying to subdue my thoughts. I realize further, that Admixture European people will soon become Admixture Eurasian people out of white flight and from a secret disdain for the neoliberal state they have always been in denial about. The bourgeois man sneaks his way out by finding the good life even under his puritan hypocrisy.

I deserve freedom and sincerity. The homosexual man has these same privileges. I became “queer” like the homosexual, as I live a double life out of fear and insecurity.

I still lay inside the opium den, and I waited for others to walk in.

Please.

Stay inside my dream until our time wears thin. 

Walk out on this island with me.

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-pilleater

12-7-2021

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