The John Waters SVA Make-up Commencement Speech for ’20 and ’21 of 2022
A transcript of the School of Visual Arts 2022 commencement speech.
The following is a transcript of John Waters’ commencement speech at School of Visual Arts in 2022.
Due to the so-called “pandemic,” both classes of 2020 and 2021 had to attend this commencement in person on June 27, 2022 at Radio City Music Hall. This is the real commencement speech that was delayed for two years.
I, pilleater, was there in person.
The original video can be viewed, here.
John Waters:
Thank you very much.
Wow! Radio City Music Hall! Known for family friendly movies and The Rockettes!
What the hell am I doing here?
Me, I'm more of a Cockette kind of guy, and my movies, well, they're actually sort of filthy, …but here it goes.
I'm here to inspire you for the second time. Give you hope in a new way.
Hmm.
Well I got thrown out of most of the schools I went to and since then, not one person who has hired me in the arts has ever asked me if I “went to college.” But so what! That was then, and this is now. And boy, things sure have changed.
In 2020, the School of Visual Arts gave me an honorary degree for I guess causing trouble. And this year the National Film Registry (yes, that's part of the Library of Congress, the US government, for God's sake) selected my film Pink Flamingos, which New York Magazine once called “beyond pornography” to its annual list of 25 culturally historic films.
A movie convicted of obscenity all around the world!
You too can fail upwards if you try. Yes!
Move on to madness, graduate to grandiosity, commence to commercial creativity. Your openly artistic, anything is possible!
It's been a coma diploma, dreary two years, hasn't it? Home is definitely not the room where it happens. But thankfully you voted to have the ceremony in person. Finally! Yes, we're all shot up for the newest vaccines, ready to contaminate the world with our unbridled optimism! Bring on the next strain! We're ready! I've had all the shots!; Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson. I've mainlined them, skin popped, those little mothers. Both arms, both legs, behind my ears. …I've even fired that secret third booster shot I copped on the dark web! Antibodies?; I snorted them months ago! And that new pill they're talking about? Shoved up that suppository just last night!
Yep, it's time to emotionally duct tape ourselves to our seats! The day has come! We're gonna blast off into the infected future! Cov-AIDS, Oma-SARS, Hepatitis Z; we'll kick your ass!
But first, you have to reinvent everything, including the word “artist” as a job title.
It's not up to you to call yourself “an artist.” That's a good review about your work written in the future by a critic who hasn't even been born yet! Besides, calling yourself “an artist” makes the public think you are affected, crazy, or unemployed, …which you probably are.
Are artists born with a talent the same way babies are born blonde or with skins of many different colors? Dirty blondes can go platinum, but they need a color of skills and knowledge! Any race can produce successful artists, but often minority ones must act up to get the museum director's attention they've always deserved.
But doesn't a real artist hide that special talent, make fun of it, and subvert their gift to infuriate the uninitiated, and grab the attention of the intellectual powers that be?
Are all good artists liars and swindlers, or are they prophets and mind readers? It's the same thing.
You are the lucky ones.
All you need is one good idea; one idea that might eventually sell for $200 million or better yet, not at all in your lifetime, so they can later call you “a genius ahead of your time.”
Either way, your history in the best sense of the word. But you have to think of something new. But what? What hasn't been done!?
I'll tell you.
…Old Outsider-old “master paintings,” narrative abstract expressionism, impenetrable pop, decorative minimalism, non-conceptualism, video folk art, appropriated NFT…
Collectors want to be challenged, shocked, scandalized! But come on, it helps to make them laugh too! Mock yourself first, then you can be as crazily righteous as you want!
Go beyond political correctness to “political erectus!” Stand up for lunacy. Start your own next radical movement! “Gaze Against Guns” is a great organization, but how about “Gaze Against Heteros’ Plumber’s Crack?” Or, “Lesbians Against Bridal Shower Celebrations in Men's Leather Bars?”
The deconstructed fashion police? You bet! “De-fund the stylists!” Their newest fashion atrocity?; male movie stars wearing three piece suits to premieres with no shirt underneath! “Lock 'em up, lock 'em up!”
And why? Oh, why are many recording stars now nude on the red carpet? What happened to feminism? Ever hear of the cum de laude so bump n’ lump gown that blocked and deformed the male gaze before it had a chance to lear?
“Okay, these dresses were expensive, but is there something that matter with a simple black turtleneck?”
Sharon Stone wore one from The Gap to the Oscars and caused a sensation. Tilda Swinton accepted the best supporting actress award dressed in full couture without a stitch of makeup! Astounding fashionistas with her well scrub shiny face and proving what a brave artist she really is!
Facelifts? Graduates of any age don't do it! I get modeling jobs because of my wrinkles! Instead of hair transplants or elaborate wigs, shave your head, …tattoo a large Sarah Brum on your skull and call it a brain lift!
You're the smart ones! Never let anybody forget that!
Be opinionated. Never suffer fools, but do not be an asshole.
Hopefully this is a thin line. You've learned how to cross here at the School of Visual Arts. Praise what others hate and dismiss what the great wash public loves. Never try to make people feel better with your art. That's for psychiatrists! Make 'em feel worse for having contempt before artistic investigation. Be creative but not pretentious. Challenge yourself with impossible tasks. If you are continuing your education, write your next doctorate in “disappearing ink” and dare your professor to fail you. Rewrite William Burroughs’ cut-up novels by putting them back together in order and calling it “restoration.”
There's a great French novel called A Void by Georges Perec where the author purposely never uses the letter “E” in the entire book. Now that's a challenge! But an even bigger one was for the translator who had to do the same thing successfully in a different language.
I challenged myself to film a children's version of my X-rated Pink Flamingos called “Kitty Flamingos” for a gallery show I had in New York. Try something similar! How about 50 Shades of Gray re-imagined as a tribute to the monochromatic paintings of Gerhard Richter?
You too can be a crackpot intellectual if you just try, try, try. But you have to work, work, work. There's no shortcut to writing a book! A painting may take a year or a second to compete, but to decide to start it can take a lifetime.
Fashion? What you wear is important, and you can help others present themselves to the world with what you design! Think of the uncool outfit imaginable. Embrace it, exaggerate it, spill something on it, snag it! Put the wrong dry cleaning instructions inside it. …And presto!, a style is born!
Remember, if you were young, you are cute. Period.
Mink Stole said to me recently, “I looked at old pictures of myself as a teenager when I thought I was unattractive and then I realized, hey, I've looked pretty good!” There's no such thing as an ugly young person.
…Well, except on Zoom, where everybody looks terrible.
The late great author Bell Hooks once said she read a book a day. And so should you. “I don't have time” you may grumble, but yes you do! Get off Twitter where you're giving all your material away for free and pick up a good hard novel and hardback!
Another important piece of advice: After your first taste of success, never blink!
Someone is always waiting to steal your thunder.
In the early eighties, Debbie Harry blinked and everybody tried to steal her career! But Deborah Harry reinvented herself a million times since and will end up first across the finishing line of talent and fame.
Okay, before I forget, my parents told me “the early bird gets the worm,” and I thought they were right until some wise acre crack [said] “but the second rat gets the cheese.”
Be that second rat! Don't get arrested on the front line of the next demonstration. Be a little further back so you can run.
Pick a role model in your field, but don't imitate them. Use originality to get to the next level. Appropriation is always the work of the second rat, but no matter what the Supreme Court rules, sometimes the stolen cheese is fresher than the worm who had to squirm to first get noticed.
Okay, parents, you poor, poor people. Firstly, I salute you for believing your children are artists. What an empowering, loving thing to do! But will these artists ever leave home? Did you actually see their positive Covid tests or were they faking like they used to do with the elementary school nurse? Quarantined and no longer weaned? Great. “Boomerang kids” they call them and they keep coming back.
Thank you SVA, you gave them virtual classrooms and we got their in-person messes. Their vaping, their vegan demands. Bong hit odors! Even non-binary sex noises coming from their childhood bedrooms while you have to sneak into the attic, crawl crawlspaces for an old fashioned private heterosexual kiss!
“Student loans,” they moan, moan, moan! Okay, parents, should argue. Let's change places! You live here and take over the mortgage payments or run out your dorm rooms, Airbnb, and give us the Do-Re-Mi! We're Doomerang parents now and you're getting out! No? Okay, we're moving into your student housing, screwing up your WiFi, eating meat, listening to eighties rock and shaving off our pubic hair, even though you complain “we're 10 years too late for that trend!” How do you like it?
Okay, another day is coming. We won't have to live in this post-David Cronenberg world forever. We're sick of being sick! Let's count our blessings and toast the ones who didn't make it here today. The ghosts in the empty seats! The ones with financial issues or personal ones like alcoholism, drug addiction, suicide victims, and yes, we must never forget the stupid!
Not everybody is as brilliant as you are, so get over yourself. Act dumb today! Haven't you studied enough? When you walk across the stage to get your diploma, do a popper! Or be a supermodel and work it baby, work it! You're on the runway to success, so why not strut your stuff?
Artists can't make fools of themselves. We call that “taking risks,” being edgy, …transgressive! There are no actual actual jobs out there in the marketplace for you anyway. You have to create and develop your own insane opportunities. And believe me, that's when the real fun begins.
Congratulations and thank you!
-pe
3-8-2025